Entre Les Trous De La Mémoire - Remember me

Entre les trous de la
mémoire

I grew up with this painting by Dominique Appia. It was my favourite painting in the whole world when I was little, I used to stare at it for a long time and imagine that i lived in this fantasy-like world in which the sea enters a room where books are being burnt by a girl who still keeps reading some and the other girl is facing the horizon. 

A mixed horizon - there are icebergs outside and then the landscape turns slightly urban shifting into all kinds of stuff.

When I left home and moved to Spain I could not bring it with me and then one day as i wandered the streets of Barcelona I found it and my heart exploded with joy. 

The meaning of this painting can always be subjected to free interpretation but basically this surrealist piece transmits the feeling of - dont burn your bridges behind you - or don´t always think there is something better- enjoy the memories you have.

We all have a tendency of living in what I call the " future continuum" meaning the future that never really comes, cause its preciselly that... the future. The past is already there, nothing to be done about that and the "future continuum" will always be there - but never in a tangible way.

"A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future."            Time - according to the Online English Dictionary.


I wonder If we could dig deeper into that " apparently irreversible succesion" bit. For years I´ve fantasized with time travelling and read about the physics behind it, quickly I realized that the complexity of this topic could make me "crazier" than I perceived myself to be at the point. 


The physical presence of oneself ( as you know yourself today) in a moment that has already passed or is about to pass seems very unlikely , if not impossible. Assuming there was such possibility then the slightest changes could radically alter the course of events in unpredictable ways allong with chaos theory. 

But what If we could Time-Travel with our minds? What if we actually Time-Travel in our sleep during Lucid Dreams? I think we actually can since I have experienced it myself a few times  and therefor I am a strong believer in the importance of paying attention to one´s dreams. Specially those dreams that tend to be repetitive, can tell us way more about ourselves and situations around us than any fancy Psychologist could ever tell us. 


I had a dream a week ago, I looked very different than the way I look right now, I would assume I was a bit over my thirties and I felt very energic. I was wearing sport clothing and was running with my father who was way younger than he is now, probably 20 years younger. 

We were both running in the woods while saying things to each other but he was running faster than me so I got left behind. Then he looked at me and said he would meet me up at the end of the lane we were running joking on how he could still beat me.

Right there I woke up with the strangest sensation, that felt incredibly real I thought...I never dream of him. Two days later I get a phone call in which I´m told he´s been diagnosed with Alzheimer and that I have to prepare myself mentally for the time in which he won´t recognize me any longer. 

Why? Couldn´t it have been something more treatable? what is causing this ? and after all the whys and whats you get to the conclusion that none of that really matters now. The period of 2010- 2011 has definetely been the most life-changing and challenging period in my life so far. 

I´m only 23 years old, yet sometimes I feel at least 10 years older - you are what happens to you and how you react to that which is happening to you. All the victories, defeats, mistakes, successes, achievements, failures.. its all you in the end and its only up to you whether you want to transform the bad stuff into good stuff or you simply just wanna quit. 

Im not a quitter - I´m the kind of guy who starts things, has plans yet doesn´t terribly plan too much, has ambitions yet doesn´t wanna live in the Trump Tower. Like most of us, I want to make the best out of my life and the life of those I love and care for.

This time though it ain´t the incongruence of the anatomy I was born with nor is it society, anxiety, depression... those things are a piece of cake and none of them is irreversible, ALL that can- is and will be alright as time goes by. Now I´m facing an invisible agent that makes its presence very visible in the mental deterioration of one of the people I love the most.

How the fuck can you tackle something that aint physical and current chemicals are not optimal yet ? 

No psychologist will give me an answer to that-


So in my head I will shift my thinking into believing he is just time travelling between his memories and as this time travelling machine takes him more away from me I will try to help him remember who he is in all his "selves" though that will certainly be a difficult task in a person who is 72 years old, there must be tons of memories in there.


However, me not existing in many of them I will try to exist now in all the gaps of his memory cause I love the person he is today.

Songwriting - We Don´t Nietzsche

                                                     Hang on to Music

I know a clan of gingerbread men there a man lots of gingerbread men
take a couple if you wish ! they are on the dish.... Syd Barret would say

But the only thing that seems to be on my dish right now is a slighty bent fork pointing at me - I wonder just for fun how many bacterias inhabitate my appartment so far, how many inhabitate yours ?

We are never truly alone after all... ain´t life just grand ?

 " Your Mother sucks cocks in hell " a classic line from the Exorcist with Linda Blair , while posessed by the devil... funny how church and the holy writings contradict themselves all the time, on one side you should stay away from women since they are the harvesters of temptation and sin - then you would assume women are evil ? yeah, after all it was Eve who talked Adam into taking a bite and  disobey God´s orders.

Then logically, if women are evil then the Devil must be a woman... But wait, doesn´t the Bibble mention in the Apocalypse scriptures that the Antichrist will be homosexual?

“Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all” (Dan. 11:37)
Its a shame they dont mention pedophiles anywhere , I´m sure that would be an easy one for them to relate to , my bet is they must have been under the influences of opium when all that apocalyptic mental diarrhea was elaborated.
Still its survived all these years and with many followers indeed, we live in an era where apparently the Big Bang conditions can be recreated under careful monitoring, stem cells making tissue and organ regeneration possible and you will still find people believing in the holy scriptures. - HOLY FUCK i say.

Words and not more than words , inert symbols carrying ideas and that must be what  has kept them alive throughout all these years. The power of language - beyond Chomsky or Foucault , beyond any pre-given paradigm is certainly a ferocious one.

 When hammered by the pressures of postmodernity some people either take drugs, pay a shrink, travel around as a way of escapism, have random sex with strangers, fill in for Green Peace... get a cat and name it Sassy-pedicure No wait, that would be me... If only I had the time for it.

I write songs myself and become inspired by song writers in general - Its like having a polaroid-like soul that can capture the feelings, the vibs of either personal or interpersonal moments and catch it in the bottle of spontaneity just to release it again.

Here is a short list of wonderful songs - lyric wise that have been an inspiration to me

• The Stranger - Leonard Cohen
• FEAR - Ian Brown 
• Something Must Break - Joy Division
• Love Will Tear Us Appart - Joy Division
• Dominoes - Syd Barret
• No Man´s Land - Syd Barret 
• Come As You Are - Nirvana
• The Man Who Sold The World - David Bowie
• Space Oddity - David Bowie 
• Strange Fruit - Billy Holiday
• Sunshine Superman - Donovan 
• Mad World - Gary Jules 
• Man In The Box - Alice In Chains
• Heaven Beside You - Alice In Chains
• People Are Strange - The Doors 
• Would - Alice In Chains
• White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

For the Nietzsche in everyone of us

We Don´t Nietzsche ( Need-yah)

Will you love me when my hands fall off the bones ?
Will you want me even if I´ll be unknown ?
Will they see it in the things that you´ll become?

Like on the day that we decided to kill God
saying we don´t need yah
We don´t need yah
We don´t Nietzsche

Take your plastic bags and cover up the sun
Go fake it yet you won´t be fooling anyone
And this stream still collides into the flod

Like on the day that we decided to kill God
Saying we don´t need yah
We don´t need yah
We don´t Nietzsche

Friends And Enemies

Cut in sizes of a tree
some love for your own
Invite your friends and enemies
don´t leave no one alone

Oh I heard you say some time ago
You want nothing at all
But wouldn´t you give anything
to at least make it your call ?

Was it dull ? oh oh oh

What you see is what you get
I ain´t got nothing to hide
Invite your friends and enemies
while making love to your pride

Well darling I´d give anything
to make you walk by my side

Is it dull ? .. Oh oh oh

                                                                       CHANGES

Female Ejaculation - And the good masturbator

 

I made that drawing when i was around 16. It was easier to draw back then, it seemed to come very natural to me just to grab a pen ( i rarely digged pencils ) cause i believed that making mistakes and not being able to fix them by just using the eraser gave the drawing a more Carpe Diem feel to it and thus personality. 

EASY TARGETS - aren´t we all ? The female body - mutilated and combined with objetcs such as a riffle on the back - horse´s legs holding a cyborg hungry vagina - the bird of wisdom exposing banalities such as a pair of jeans. I remember myself reflecting on the myth of the Troyan War and thinking damn... it all started due to Helen´s pussy - what a powerful weapon that is ! Chess and its hidden symbolism also showsthis, its not really the King who has the power ( even though it is on a representative form) however, The King is nothing without the Queen, whose strategic possibilities for movement are vast in comparison.

I was a proud masturbator at age 12. I dont think you ever forget the first orgasm , for me it was like playing a game to which only I knew every rule of and therefor winning was a certainty. My male friends would talk about it too, all of the sudden you were 14 and Pamela Anderson´s sex tape with Tommy Lee was the MUST see of the class, even though I always prefered Carmen Elektra if i had to choose. 

However, very quickly I realized that my female friends werent proud masturbators as I and my male friends were, why ? I wondered. So one day i decided to pop the question to one of them and her response still floats in my mind " No ! thats disgusting " she said. I couldnt understand what was so disgusting about reaching relaxation through one´s body, the whole thing was some sort of taboo talk for most of them.

And what happens when you are not a good masturbator? You are most likely to suck in the sheets... and I dont mean THAT kind of sucking, basically it becomes hard to actually know what turns you on and what doesnt and if you dont have a healthy relationship to yourself in such way how can you expect the other person to " reach you" ? 

All of a sudden everyone started fucking each other - I used to joke and suggest people that since they all were doing each other´s exes they should all just get together and make a big orgy- then get over it. I believe women should worship their genitalia in the same way that males worship theirs, they should even embrace their periods and maybe get arty when " that time of the month" comes allong. 

However, for me it was quite different. No matter how much i loved women I hated to be seen and perceived as one and the only thing wrong with my own genitalia was that... It was mine, it should have been on somebody else´s. 

But when nature fucks you up for unknown reasons it also gives you good things, this lack of proper anatomy in my body gave me the ability to develop a very broad and sharp criteria of almost everything that surrounded me. Pleasure can be many things, the most common bifurcation is physical and mental - but can we even separate these? after all, emotions are caused by neuropeptides and all these chemical reactions start out in the brain and the mind, happens to be part of our brains. 

My pleasure became many things, due to my inability of fully relating to the whole picture of my body i was forced to reconceptualize pleasure and look beyond physicalities - taking only the parts i felt most comfortable with. The chore point of my pleasure is actually providing pleasure, it streches every single vibrating corpuscle in my skin to see that I am the provider of pleasure.

Its probably related to a subconscious sense of power or simply just feeling good to be able to provide this to another being , specially if the being happens to mean something more to you rather than an extra in your Life´s Series or just some random character who is filling up for the one who never got the script. 

Being a good masturbator has enabled me to surpass challenges, the challenge of being a prisioner in your own body . A body that seems to betray you as time goes by and nature triggers every one of these changes, being a good masturbator has enabled me to overcome immsomniac nights, stressful times, hardship but most of all being a good masturbator has enabled me to have genuine physical-mental contact with others.

Briefly said, I believe that if people masturbated every time they wanna grab a gun and kill someone or themselves the world would surely be a better place. Im sure nature would send plagues and disasters to keep the balance going and avoid overpopulation - but most certainly, we would come closer as species - paradoxically when things arent so focused on simple procreation. 

Particles separate all the time and they come together, the fucking Big Bang proves it and probably Cher too... after all those surgeries :) we should find ourselves in our particles first before delegating a WHOLE.

Vaginas are fascinating and thats why they secretly rule the world. Very secretly indeed, how many people if asked in the street would actually know that females have prostates too? and there is good reason for it, not even physicians know where most vaginal fluids specifically those produced during female ejaculation come from - some of it its speculated to be generated in the prostate but the rest of it apparently remains a mystery.

So Yes - females ejaculate too and they ejaculate BIG time, I do not consider myself a subversive feminist, however, It is true that the medical field has always been majorly dominated by men and well... funny enough these men didnt know much about the actual female anatomy and everything that wasnt directly linked to reproduction was considered to be of little importance. 

Which makes me think of the analogy of a Cup-Holder , women being Baby-holders and no more than that.

Where did the female prostate disappear to for 329 years? 

Prior to the 20^th century the term "female prostate" was commonly used within medical research literature but during the 20^th century the female prostate was usually described as vestigial, i.e. not fully developed and non-functional, and was identified as either paraurethral or Skene's glands. While the components of the female prostate were known to exist they were not seen as structures of interest or importance; with a few exceptions. Since modern medicine did not see the female prostate playing an active and necessary role in reproduction it wasn't essential to understand its function. The female prostate is not believed to be affected by disease on a frequent basis and this likely contributed to the lack of interest within doctor offices and hospitals. When the female prostate became a medical concern by becoming enlarged or causing discomfort during urination or intercourse it was called female urethral diverticulum or female prostatis. I wonder how many urinary tract infections (UTIs) have been incorrectly diagnosed and treated? 

"The male is an distinct organ that surrounds the male urethra but the female prostate lies within the wall and along the length of the female urethra, as indicated in the illustrations shown above and below. It is part of and contained within the wall of the urethra, and the urethra is contained within the wall of the vagina. The average size of the female prostate is 1.3 inches long, 0.75 inches wide, 0.4 inches in height (3.3 x 1.9 x 1 cm), and weighs about 0.2 ounces (5.2 grams). Which means it is a relatively small organ about the size of a woman's thumb. Despite its smaller size "it possesses all the structural components of the male prostate."

. 

If you havent found your G-spot yet and the exact location of your female prostate

you should try locating it while in the shower, take a careless piss while you move things down there

while pissing the bladder will let you " feel " it and if you have a hard time feeling it then try with an adventurous partner :) pissing is also a bodily fluid ( not into water sports personally) but - whats the big deal?

Ejaculate your brains off tonight

The Rules of Attraction - scouting female subjectivity

While living as a female and excercising this female role in Society, I would find it extremely hard to relate to "other females" no wonder... 

I struggled for relatedness and finding my " female self " which im sure, lies inside everyone of us, however mine seemed to be pretty fucking burried in the bassement. 

Perceived as a female who is sexually attracted to " other females" one cannot escape falling into the lesbian category, definetely something i was never trully fond of. But at least I can understand them... I thought, after all I´m " one of them" at least i tried to convince myself, I was. 

I used to believe that it must be easier to get close to a woman as a man than it actually is as a woman. Fuck, was I terribly wrong... those days, I have encountered nothing but the opposite, although I never related to most females and never really had a bunch of "girlfriends" to meet up with , go to the movies, buying clothes, museums and what this and what not... I do sense a huge difference in the way I was treated before and the way I am treated now. 

They still talk to you, smile, hold eye contact of course. But they always seem to be in this constant state of alert or seem wary of you ... as if they think all you wanna do is get in their pants and you are probably just disguising it with something else. 

They are probably right 80% of the times, but what happens to the 20% left when you are just trying to be friendly and actually mean it ? Now a little about genitalia, its funny how phallocratic our culture is and how culturally ritualized a cock can be, however, one learns very fast that the true power actually lies in the shifting opening and closing of a vagina´s labia minora. 

Yeah, they got this thing you want and they know you want it. They will only give it to you when they want it though, cause you are the one who is supposed to be always "ready" and thats another expectation you must fulfill. 

Testosterone doesn´t make things any easier... the longing for physical contact is definitely more intense than it used to be before, and its actually annoying. One beggins to understand how prostitution has always been there since earlier civilizations... you pay - fuck - cum and leave and get this physical contact without all the bullshit and games that usually come allong with it.

To me there´s more to it though, even when it´s only just sex, I need a thrill or some sort of challenge or purpose, It almost feels like hunting or when snakes eat mice, they have to kill their prey by themselves or else they won´t eat it. 

I suppose having been socialized as female most of my life and having had access to these "female backstage-onstage" social scenarios, does give me an advantage over bio males for deeper understanding in some of their behaviour, however elusive it might be. I can identify some of the usual codes and a general modus operandi  that most of them share. 

The Asshole - it´s an all times favourite amongst the ones with a low self esteem and the perpetuators of a " macho man " type who treats them like shit just to have a reason to complain about it afterwards. The Asshole also calls other type of women´s attention, not only those with low self esteem but on the parallels of self esteem, the self assured woman. 

Why would the self assured, probably smart woman be drawn into The Asshole  type ? 

Because either they want to change him and turn him into a more likeable asshole, a task that proves challenging but there is almost nothing a self assured woman´s ego can´t achieve - Or simply because they also crave to be treated like shit deep inside without admitting it. 

Mr Nice -  A total success, If you want to be stepped on, used, abused and recycled even just to repeat the previous sequence once more. Mr Nice - represents no danger, its the final encarnation of all the bullshit talk about how they long for stability and " something special " But what do you do once you´ve found your holly grial? You gotta make up another one! the key here is to keep longing or complaining about that which you "cant find".

The Gentleman - A rare kind that is almost going to extinction, cause it doesn´t pay off to be Clark Gable these days. The gentleman knows 90% of the times what he wants and how he wants it, he shows himself as he is , not more and not less than that - there are no hidden agendas but yet it doesn´t mean he´ll reveal every single detail of his life. The gentleman can both be gentle and after all... be a man,  he can go from attentive and gentle to disappearing for a while for no reason. This is a perfect blend for many, however, The Gentleman  tends to be mistaken by the self assured woman for Mr Nice even when he isn´t.

The Pussyhagen-  My own term to depict how most men in Copenhagen seem to be ( its all in general scales) 80´s hair , tighter jeans than lady gaga´s underwear, usually skinny and with a very supervised "careless" look. Some of them go with big purses even, they are also "sensitive" and support causes - commonly related to the trendy ones nowadays- Its hot to save the world , from the comfort of economical stability. The Pussyhagen  seems to be fairly succesful both with the self assured women and even the low self esteem ones, this is because most of the times he is also The Asshole in a more stylized version so it takes the self assured woman longer time to figure that out. Another reason why The Pussyhagen seems to be a hit, is that most women in my opinion suffer from what I like to call The Cylindrical Pussy Syndrome

 Cylindrical Pussy Syndrome =  a total femme with a penis 


It appears to me that some of them  want another "girlfriend" with a penis. 


In all these typologies i find myself more inclined to The Gentleman type with some shades of sexual expression alla boogie nights. Say it always like it is , and if it isn´t.... keep it to yourself.

FREE WILL AND CHAOS

The Infinite Wisdom of Chaos

 

When I first came across with Chaos Theory I was thrilled to see that such phenomenon existed and how much of our daily lives contains it. Chaos Theory is applied to disorganized systems and is about finding the underlying order in apparently random data. One cannot predict random behavior and the patterns will always differ from each other, however, in chaos there will come a time in which the set and number of patterns we are dealling with will find some sort of order and this happens spontaneously never losing the ability of turning chaotic once more. 

It is basically formulas that repeat themselves and can be expressed in graphs, creating bifurcations, these bifurcations constitute the rates of different results (uniformity or chaos) and they actually come at a constant rate.  It seems that nature operates in a mathematical way, for example: blood vessel branches, the internal structure of the lungs etc it all seems to be part of a greater design. 

Can we apply Chaos Theory to predict Human Behavior ? 

We are somewhat walking systems, biological, chemical and neurological activity is constantly taking place within us. For fuck sakes, we are mostly composed by water and oxygen in a clever interplay with other elements such as phosphorus, calcium , carbon etc. 

So what makes us so goddamn special anyway? That is I believe, the power to Free Will, societies and the chore of our nature hold a double discourse , on one side everything seems to be predetermined, we live under Newtonian notions of cause-effect and amplify axiomatic facts such as gravitational law to almost everything we can think of. Yet, on the other side , nature works in infinite ways that never remain static but dynamic and they always cause a change. 

I think Chaos Theory is the scientific encarnation of Free Will , the second evolution amongst humans, how I viewl it , will probably deal more with reaching a higher state of self through knowledge and enriching values rather than deal with evolutionary biological processes. 

The time for collectivity is expiring giving space for individuality, and dont get me wrong by individuality as something pertaining negative connotations, all the contrary , I´m talking about the total expansion of the self in order to truly establish fulfilling bonds with one another and somewhat transcend our existance through these connections. 

The realm of cause-effect or stimulus-response  MUST perish since it deals in generalities and can therefore, predict general outcomes,  most of the time, however, art- the life choice and reality of the individual soul , trancends science.