The british pop rock band Blur wrote a song once called " Boys and Girls " it does not take one very long to actually grasp what they were talking about, namely modern life and the crude paradoxes of interpersonal relationships.
Before dwelling further into human relationships, it is worth looking at Identity as a concept... if there is any. Some believe that what makes us who we are its nothing but a multifactorial mixture of events such as whether you were raised a christian, come from a traditional family or were breast fed by an unhappy mother.
I personally believe that Identity its no real entity in itself, rather than an entity or this "fixed notion" that most of us make of ourselves to navigate the world in the comfort of "safe expectations" I find it to be a process, in which we constantly shift from one role to another according to the situation or life context we encounter ourselves in. Finally, there will be more dominant roles than others, and perhaps this combined with an essence of individuality whether its DNA or to put it more romantically, a soul , creates the final Identity.
So it basically goes like this... once you know who you are then you are able to know what you want But do we ever really get to know ourselves? is there time enough in life for doing that? I guess not. However, hope still floats and swims its way back to the shore like a skillful surviving rat from a ship wreck.
We fall in and out of love, jump from first person to third person in the blink of an eye, go from infatuation to hatred as traffic lights turn green to red with such immediacy that i find it sickening. The key word here is Choice... so many choices, so many roles to perform, so many ways to go so which one is best ? which one will set us free? which one will allow us to be truly ourselves yet blend our singularity with someone else´s ?
Welcome to the era of the Playing Self, we desire to find ourselves and ultimately be "unchained" yet the paradox lies in the fact that in our desperate quest for meaning and relatedness we actually risk losing ourselves, because the ways in which we shape ourselves are already canonically given within the system. The words which we define our needs conceal a void, even as these definitions invade public and private discourse. Behind them lies a multiplicity of meanings which expresses the ambivalence of the nature and the society that constitutes us.
Are we still able to identify our real needs? probably not univocally. They have become a part of a symbolic field charged with tensions: an arena where the feelings of lack, absence and weakness which continue to fuel our search for answers clashes with the power we have acquired over ourselves and over our environment.
Most of us have projects in life, dreams, ambitions and things we want to achieve for ourselves. We face more or less similar challenges in a globalized world and the list just keeps on getting more homogeneous as we appear to be heading towards a more cosmopolitan sense of being.
Idealization is infatuation´s accomplish, and infatuation isn´t love. It bursts like an Alka Seltzer pill on the surface and then it sinks down in the bottom of the glass. Ladies, there is NO KNIGHT IN SHINY ARMOUR , take the person and what is happening between you in their whole singularity not your own idea on how things should be.
When Gattaca came out I must have been around 11 years old , I had never been specially keen on science fiction as a genre but this one particular time i was totally hooked. Although I was not mature enough to grasp all the meanings and social critiques and both Orwell and Ballard were at least 6 years ahead- to be bumped into for me - there was something very powerful about Gattaca that made me relate to it without necessarily having everything " figured out ".
It was the idea of being someone else, taking someone else´s identity in order to reach your dreams since they are unreachable in your own identity, becoming "Valid" for who you are and what you can do, but using someone else who is already "Valid" within the system to enable this possibility.
Around that time I dreaded the thought of puberty , all the unwanted changes and the lacking ones were hard to put up with so I´d fantasize I could be someone else to escape my own " fate ". Like Vincent, I was willing to do anything , just to have the chance and prove myself and others that I was just as "Valid" as anybody else - as valid as any other boy.
In "the not-so-distant future", liberal eugenics is common and DNA plays the primary role in determining social class. Vincent Freeman is conceived and born without the aid of this technology. He has a high probability of developing mental disorders and heart defect, and a projected life expectancy of 30.2 years. His parents initially placed their faith in natural birth and now regret it; Vincent's younger brother, Anton, is conceived with the aid of genetic selection and therefore surpasses Vincent in every physical aspect.
Vincent dreams of going to space but the constant genetic discrimination he faces makes it impossible for him to achieve his goals. He eventually comes in contact with Jerome, a genetically modified respected member of the Gattaca Elite who is now a cripple but nobody knows , so Vincent submits himself to an operation using the Ilizarov bone lenghtening technique to gain Jerome´s height and thus modifies his body in order to take his identity and fulfill his dreams.
In return, he takes care of a bitter Jerome who spends most of his time drinking alone and ironically displaying signs of behavior that do not match the idea of the " perfect " individual he is. Once in Gattaca Vincent meets Irene, who doesn´t have a " perfect genetical" background but somehow managed to get accepted into Gattaca, she falls for Vincent in the role of Jerome, although Vincent´s insecurities don´t allow him to be honest and keeps up the charade.
Gattaca is a good fictional yet very conceivable portrait of society nowadays, but I´d like to give it a little twist now... I believe we are experiencing an era of radical antipodes. What do I mean by this? simple, when we get " too much " of one side we abruptly switch to its oppossite, science has done a lot for us in the past decades. It´s surprising how many seem to forget that if there hadn´t been an industrial revolution in the first place most of the commodities we use today would simply not be avaible at all - and this includes our ability to actually afford getting "reflexive"... You´d def prioritize other things in your life over making sure you contribute to some " good cause " to make you feel like Mother Therese- in a sexier way- if your economical position is unstable or to put it mildly if you come from a FUCKED up country where simple survival is a whole task in itself.
Technology and science have given us a broader spectrum of choices and thats where I believe individual freedom lies, in the ability of choosing. Empowerment, Web 2.0 , Choices... Democracy hell yeah... aint that what it´s all about? But how democratic are our democracies today ?
Now you´ll sure get a bunch of groups such as Green Peace , Amnesty International, Fairtrade... telling you that in fact, there is a vibrating sucking hole in the system and that its all due to the " Big Corporations" that are keeping the cycles of mass exploitation and savage consumerism harming the poor.
" Big Corporations" I would think of Mærsk here , maybe Microsoft too?... Coca Cola... you name it , but whatever happened to... precisely Green Peace... Amnesty International etc etc ? oh - but is not the same ! you may think, they don´t take profits... they help people unlike Mærsk , Coca Cola etc.
Well, the worse slave owners were those who were kind to their slaves... in the words of Oscar Wilde, hence it is immoral to use private property in the name of charity and the whole idea of charity itself does not really contribute to fix the real problem. The actual problem is that many of these neglected countries - for example, Africa should enter the common market rather than depending on european aid.
Its a dead aid, you dont help someone by catching the fish for them... you help them by actually teaching them how to catch it - but ethnocentrism has acquired a new face , namely that of Cultural Capitalism - buying your way into heaven through "good deeds" which is actually mere commercialization of ideas. The worse part of this is the self righteousness that comes with it , Nietzsche was probably right when he said God was dead and that we in fact killed him ... but i wonder what he would say if he was alive today and took a look at his replacement...
ECOLOGY - and yes ecology has become the hottest thing in town , the cell phone made of recycled garbage, organic food, electricity powered cars... you name it! It all sounds so pretty indeed, one could even argue that it has become a religion. The patterns are there... something terrible is happening, we are killing the planet so we are responsible for it - sort of like The Fall , and now we are in seek of Salvation ... time to redeem ourselves. I do not intend to ignore that there are actual ecological problems, but the PROBLEM is that environmental hysteria mystifies reality rather than deals with it.
Ecology is the new opium for the masses. The unquestionable authority which has now acquired the role of a conservative ideology.Perhaps what we should do to confront the problem properly is not all this new age bullshit to break out of the " technological" but on the contrary, we need more alienation from our spontaneous nature, we should develop an abstract materialism , a mathematical universe where there are formulas, etc where the difficult thing is to find poetry and aesthetic dimentions... thats the true love of the world, every true lover knows that love is not idealization
.
Now going back to how democratic is democracy today? Well it seems to me that the more i go to the supermarket, the more I´m bombarded with organic food. I praise diversity overall, especially when i happen to have so many different moods... I can also get my "organic moods" every now and then however... will the rest of the food gradually disappear and be replaced by organic? (not to mention its usually more expensive) will my choices as a free consumer be reduced to only choosing between organic products?
I think thats where we are heading, but whats so wrong about that? organic is supposed to be " better" - Healthier... tastier even, some claim. Well I want to make that choice for myself- Thank you.
So this is where the antipodes stand - there is a romantic going-back to " nature ". This attitude does not only comprehends organic products but the ways we treat each other.
If my " higher values" and " lifestyle" don´t match yours... then I will be forced to judge you... in the comfort of politeness of course, But I´ll make sure you get the message. This also seems to be attached to a whole social set, like I said before... only in the possibilities of wealth , one can afford to get so damn reflexive and at times.. obnoxiously self righteous.
So the assumptions go as following... " you don´t have the same values I do for these topics = you are not like me = it must be your cultural background or any other unknown agent " everyone should be taken into account by their own circumstances, but this is a difficult task since tolerance itself actually means its total opposite. " I beg you to be tolerant of me not smoking" ( Dont come any closer invading my space) " I tolerate that the fat man occupies 95% of my bus seat yet I´d never consider having -someone like him- in my near circle".
Whatever happened to sharing for the sake of it? without looking on the back of the products every time to check the calories... carbohydrates... how healthy... unhealthy they might be?
Or just eating for the sake of it, the ritual itself of sharing something amusing and delicious - whether its organic or semi organic or whatever. ?
And dont get me wrong, Im an advocate of health myself. Been actually acquiring a lot of respect towards "lifestyles" I previously ridiculed in my ignorance, such as bodybuilding. Its def not for everyone and you really have to know what you have to eat to bulk up some muscles and some necessary fat too.
Eat healthy, train, run and now i even do kick-boxing twice a week. However, I could never dream of telling somebody else what - how they should lead their lives and present my ways as axiomatic facts using the planet as an excuse.
Save the Planet.... Hilariously enough, it should be... Save Ourselves... cause the Planet has been here for a fucking long time and we could simply vanish one day like the dinasours did. We will , in fact, vanish and other forms of life will take charge... I just hope they are somewhat smarter and less hypocritical.
To tie it all up - I guess i feel myself related to the " genetically manipulated apple" that so many try to avoid these days. I´m a human being, flesh and bones, but my phenotype clashes with my genotype - the interesting thing is, this actually happens a lot and many times we don´t even find out until a very late point in our lives.
However, I suppose the diabetic person still feels like he/she is the bearer of organs, blood, cells and feelings even though when their pancreas do not produce Insulin and they have to take it on a daily basis.
Am I or the "genetically manipulated apple" less valid in our own scale of worth ? ( food - individual ) ?
Am I not still capable to love , hate , take care of , kill , harm , protect , support, help, disappoint, others?
Am I not " good enough " just because i have no Testes ( and when I will they will only fulfill aesthetics and erotic sensation) ?
Am I a biological failure cause im unable to reproduce in "traditional ways" ?
Am I simply " Invalid" just because I´m going through a process of Self- Validation?
If you are hungry and there is nothing else to eat and you are about to fucking die... wouldn´t that apple feed you? ... wouldn´t your anus expell it from the walls of your rectum the same way?
The antinomies of being, we are the children of a generation thats sold itself before it even went on sale.
I do not aim to be a soft apocalyptic - in fact my aims have slightly blurred somewhere between the triggers and the barrels of solipsism... yet the bullet is still standing solid.
Social worth ... a number - a standarized way of living - a whole set of values - buy - sell - Heaven- Hell
there seem to be no rites of passage within our western culture except that of when you get to be 18 .
Welcome to adulthood, gradual responsabilities, taxes, the possibility of jail, credit cards and all of that which validates your identity as a " part of the flock" as long as you keep consuming and validating or invalidating other´s. Maybe we are not even born into reality but we are just born into a system that fictionalizes reality to make it more pragmatic, easy to diggest and handle.
Whatever blue or red pill... the choice itself seems dull enough and choices... they are just the spiral of neurosis and what keeps the whole thing together in a symmethrically chaotic way. Puberty its nature´s own rite of passage and intense transformation, everything changes, even the gray matter in your brain expands.
It is remarkably interesting to notice that even in my self awareness of what Testosterone might be doing to my brain and my now " adult self " i can recognize many old feelings from the 1st Puberty : nihilism, anger, impulsiveness, mood swings, high sex drive, frustration and a never experienced before need for physical contact whether it is violent or affectionate.
This can be counterattacked by my own experiences and the knowledge I have so far acquired from life, I can even find the proper balance to do so most of the times and when I don´t I hold monologues with my "selves" and ask them questions until they cant no longer provide me with an answer.
Then I know Im here again and this is actually happening... I´m not just a number, a name, a sex marker, a tax payer, a sexual partner... I´m actually a person. It´s easy to forget that you are just a person in the paradox of the institutionalized individual... like Ulrich Bech would put it, however, It´s good to feel every once in a while.
Having feelings and exercizing them are two different things. God knows how many times I fantasized to see the bodies of those that bullied me in school for no reason other than being myself hanging from the ceilling, but Nintendo 64 and music took care of those fantasies instead. Then something strange happened... I stopped caring and as soon as you stop caring and let go you are set free and start gaining a weird form for respect.
" I admire you. I don´t know If I´d have the guts to go through that to become myself" ---- would´nt you really if there was no other form of life that was bearable to you ? of course you would. Let´s not romanticize things and pretend this is just a matter of " living up for your ideals" what ideals ? do any ideas actually belong to us in a clean way- without any predesigned filter? - this simply IS .
I was keen on that board game called Monopoly - In fact, I used to steal money from the bank and card properties, if there was any rule i was then inclined on trying something different to " modify it"- and why not ? its a game after all.
But games, just like films are sometimes more trusthworthy witnesses of truth than " reality" itself , because we feel somewhat more free in them so there is more room and permisiveness to be ourselves rather than following a script.
Monopoly and Chess combined perhaps, would make a good analogy on how our idea of civilization and society works nowadays. Narrowing things down to interaction and subjectivities, there seem to be a conglomeration of "shared subjectivities" probably dictated by media but lets not fool ourselves by blaming the media or Hollywood and Disney Channel for brainwashing us with ideas such as " The Knight in Shining Armour" or " You gotta fight to win the girl"craps.
We have in fact produced and eaten our own bullshits throughout the years. Is it perhaps due to our need to fictionalize everything to make it more meaningful ? Probably... But is there anything meaningful at all then?
I believe there is... such as everyone´s singularity, everyone´s uniqueness, individuality and so on.
But before we can even reach that we either constantly submit each other to what i call - The Social Worth Test. - From a Macro- view ( there is the conglomeration of shared values) and from the Micro-view how the individual distributes these "macro values" and either combines/contrasts them with his/her own values (micro-values). As a man who is becoming a man - my observations are focused on interactions with females and their expectations of men in general.
Female Macro-Values
- You gotta "represent" her ( When in reality you should just help expand her own sense of self rather than "represent" )
This basically means
- Your physical worth has to be "good enough" to tell her friends about you. But mere telling aint enough... you should also be an object of " passive desire" to her friends so she can be" Proud of you". But is not really "you" she´ll be proud of but her "hunting skills".
- The " tough" tall well trained guy who is also "sensitive" and somehow " eloquent "
- The " self confident " guy who has passions in life and a " sense of purpose "
- The " funny " yet " serious " guy who can always come up with a solution and " save the day" - The " sex machine " that will take orders... and always delivers.
- The guy with " Strong Arms"to hug and make them feel " protected " even when... they don´t really need you at all to feel this way. - The " innate leader" when its actually more the " innate -leaderlike-follower". - " Size doesn´t matter" - maybe? I like small breasts myself so I would believe they are not all aiming for a 8 inches cock - but ... where does fiction and reality separate on this one? I dont really know.
Money ? it matters more to some than others - Pink Floyd has a song that goes
" money... is a crime " I personally believe money is only a crime when you don´t have it - it can both provide you with freedom and slavery if you don´t keep the balance.
- Having a job. A career... this is not only personal development its the way our entire system works. So having a fat wallet and a " respectable " job let´s say... a physician... "business guy" ... or even sexier... a spokesman for " Amnesty International" a true " altruistic hero" who may not have a fat wallet but certainly pays less taxes than you or me due to his altruistic deeds... right? that should do the trick !
So what kind of man am I right now... and what kind of man am I becoming ?
Analizing my own depiction of " Social Worth " I´m still a " potentially good investment" in vaginal monetary terms. Some people say... " I liked parts of the movie, but I didnt like the movie" Parts vs Whole. I suppose the same thing happens to me.
My movie is in the making... all our movies are in the making except most of you reading this were probably born with the proper movie credentials that allow you to play them in trial and error without so much hedious paperwork... clipping... and editting. Regardless of the " type of man " I´ll become tomorrow, I´ll have gone through so many halls and opened so many doors by then that my whole being will be in tune with every damn single living creature on this planet and i might end up more "altrustic" than the " amnesty international fellow".
Well.... I certainly doubt so
However. in the meantime I´ll just Scream until I like it.
I grew up with this painting by Dominique Appia. It was my favourite painting in the whole world when I was little, I used to stare at it for a long time and imagine that i lived in this fantasy-like world in which the sea enters a room where books are being burnt by a girl who still keeps reading some and the other girl is facing the horizon.
A mixed horizon - there are icebergs outside and then the landscape turns slightly urban shifting into all kinds of stuff.
When I left home and moved to Spain I could not bring it with me and then one day as i wandered the streets of Barcelona I found it and my heart exploded with joy.
The meaning of this painting can always be subjected to free interpretation but basically this surrealist piece transmits the feeling of - dont burn your bridges behind you - or don´t always think there is something better- enjoy the memories you have.
We all have a tendency of living in what I call the " future continuum" meaning the future that never really comes, cause its preciselly that... the future. The past is already there, nothing to be done about that and the "future continuum" will always be there - but never in a tangible way.
"A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future." Time - according to the Online English Dictionary.
I wonder If we could dig deeper into that " apparently irreversible succesion" bit. For years I´ve fantasized with time travelling and read about the physics behind it, quickly I realized that the complexity of this topic could make me "crazier" than I perceived myself to be at the point.
The physical presence of oneself ( as you know yourself today) in a moment that has already passed or is about to pass seems very unlikely , if not impossible. Assuming there was such possibility then the slightest changes could radically alter the course of events in unpredictable ways allong with chaos theory.
But what If we could Time-Travel with our minds? What if we actually Time-Travel in our sleep during Lucid Dreams? I think we actually can since I have experienced it myselfa few timesand therefor I am a strong believer in the importance of paying attention to one´s dreams. Specially those dreams that tend to be repetitive, can tell us way more about ourselves and situations around us than any fancy Psychologist could ever tell us.
I had a dream a week ago, I looked very different than the way I look right now, I would assume I was a bit over my thirties and I felt very energic. I was wearing sport clothing and was running with my father who was way younger than he is now, probably 20 years younger.
We were both running in the woods while saying things to each other but he was running faster than me so I got left behind. Then he looked at me and said he would meet me up at the end of the lane we were running joking on how he could still beat me.
Right there I woke up with the strangest sensation, that felt incredibly real I thought...I never dream of him. Two days later I get a phone call in which I´m told he´s been diagnosed with Alzheimer and that I have to prepare myself mentally for the time in which he won´t recognize me any longer.
Why? Couldn´t it have been something more treatable? what is causing this ? and after all the whys and whats you get to the conclusion that none of that really matters now. The period of 2010- 2011 has definetely been the most life-changing and challenging period in my life so far.
I´m only 23 years old, yet sometimes I feel at least 10 years older - you are what happens to you and how you react to that which is happening to you. All the victories, defeats, mistakes, successes, achievements, failures.. its all you in the end and its only up to you whether you want to transform the bad stuff into good stuff or you simply just wanna quit.
Im not a quitter - I´m the kind of guy who starts things, has plans yet doesn´t terribly plan too much, has ambitions yet doesn´t wanna live in the Trump Tower. Like most of us, I want to make the best out of my lifeand the life of those I love and care for. This time though it ain´t the incongruence of the anatomy I was born with nor is it society, anxiety, depression... those things are a piece of cake and none of them is irreversible, ALL that can- is and will be alright as time goes by. Now I´m facing an invisible agent that makes its presence very visible in the mental deterioration of one of the people I love the most.
How the fuck can you tackle something that aint physical and current chemicals are not optimal yet ? No psychologist will give me an answer to that-
So in my head I will shift my thinking into believing he is just time travelling between his memories and as this time travelling machine takes him more away from me I will try to help him remember who he is in all his "selves" though that will certainly be a difficult task in a person who is 72 years old, there must be tons of memories in there.
However, me not existing in many of them I will try to exist now in all the gaps of his memory cause I love the person he is today.
I know a clan of gingerbread men there a man lots of gingerbread men
take a couple if you wish ! they are on the dish.... Syd Barret would say
But the only thing that seems to be on my dish right now is a slighty bent fork pointing at me - I wonder just for fun how many bacterias inhabitate my appartment so far, how many inhabitate yours ?
We are never truly alone after all... ain´t life just grand ?
" Your Mother sucks cocks in hell " a classic line from the Exorcist with Linda Blair , while posessed by the devil... funny how church and the holy writings contradict themselves all the time, on one side you should stay away from women since they are the harvesters of temptation and sin - then you would assume women are evil ? yeah, after all it was Eve who talked Adam into taking a bite and disobey God´s orders.
Then logically, if women are evil then the Devil must be a woman... But wait, doesn´t the Bibble mention in the Apocalypse scriptures that the Antichrist will be homosexual?
“Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all” (Dan. 11:37)
Its a shame they dont mention pedophiles anywhere , I´m sure that would be an easy one for them to relate to , my bet is they must have been under the influences of opium when all that apocalyptic mental diarrhea was elaborated.
Still its survived all these years and with many followers indeed, we live in an era where apparently the Big Bang conditions can be recreated under careful monitoring, stem cells making tissue and organ regeneration possible and you will still find people believing in the holy scriptures. - HOLY FUCK i say.
Words and not more than words , inert symbols carrying ideas and that must be what has kept them alive throughout all these years. The power of language - beyond Chomsky or Foucault , beyond any pre-given paradigm is certainly a ferocious one.
When hammered by the pressures of postmodernity some people either take drugs, pay a shrink, travel around as a way of escapism, have random sex with strangers, fill in for Green Peace... get a cat and name it Sassy-pedicure No wait, that would be me... If only I had the time for it.
I write songs myself and become inspired by song writers in general - Its like having a polaroid-like soul that can capture the feelings, the vibs of either personal or interpersonal moments and catch it in the bottle of spontaneity just to release it again.
Here is a short list of wonderful songs - lyric wise that have been an inspiration to me
The Stranger - Leonard Cohen
FEAR - Ian Brown
Something Must Break - Joy Division
Love Will Tear Us Appart - Joy Division
Dominoes - Syd Barret
No Man´s Land - Syd Barret
Come As You Are - Nirvana
The Man Who Sold The World - David Bowie
Space Oddity - David Bowie
Strange Fruit - Billy Holiday
Sunshine Superman - Donovan
Mad World - Gary Jules
Man In The Box - Alice In Chains
Heaven Beside You - Alice In Chains
People Are Strange - The Doors
Would - Alice In Chains
White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
For the Nietzsche in everyone of us
We Don´t Nietzsche( Need-yah)
Will you love me when my hands fall off the bones ?
Will you want me even if I´ll be unknown ?
Will they see it in the things that you´ll become?
Like on the day that we decided to kill God
saying we don´t need yah
We don´t need yah
We don´t Nietzsche
Take your plastic bags and cover up the sun
Go fake it yet you won´t be fooling anyone
And this stream still collides into the flod
Like on the day that we decided to kill God
Saying we don´t need yah
We don´t need yah
We don´t Nietzsche
Friends And Enemies
Cut in sizes of a tree
some love for your own
Invite your friends and enemies
don´t leave no one alone
Oh I heard you say some time ago
You want nothing at all
But wouldn´t you give anything
to at least make it your call ?
Was it dull ? oh oh oh
What you see is what you get
I ain´t got nothing to hide
Invite your friends and enemies
while making love to your pride
Well darling I´d give anything
to make you walk by my side
I made that drawing when i was around 16. It was easier to draw back then, it seemed to come very natural to me just to grab a pen ( i rarely digged pencils ) cause i believed that making mistakes and not being able to fix them by just using the eraser gave the drawing a more Carpe Diem feel to it and thus personality.
EASY TARGETS - aren´t we all ? The female body - mutilated and combined with objetcs such as a riffle on the back - horse´s legs holding a cyborg hungry vagina - the bird of wisdom exposing banalities such as a pair of jeans. I remember myself reflecting on the myth of the Troyan War and thinking damn... it all started due to Helen´s pussy - what a powerful weapon that is ! Chess and its hidden symbolism also showsthis, its not really the King who has the power ( even though it is on a representative form) however, The King is nothing without the Queen, whose strategic possibilities for movement are vast in comparison.
I was a proud masturbator at age 12. I dont think you ever forget the first orgasm , for me it was like playing a game to which only I knew every rule of and therefor winning was a certainty. My male friends would talk about it too, all of the sudden you were 14 and Pamela Anderson´s sex tape with Tommy Lee was the MUST see of the class, even though I always prefered Carmen Elektra if i had to choose.
However, very quickly I realized that my female friends werent proud masturbators as I and my male friends were, why ? I wondered. So one day i decided to pop the question to one of them and her response still floats in my mind " No ! thats disgusting " she said. I couldnt understand what was so disgusting about reaching relaxation through one´s body, the whole thing was some sort of taboo talk for most of them.
And what happens when you are not a good masturbator? You are most likely to suck in the sheets... and I dont mean THAT kind of sucking, basically it becomes hard to actually know what turns you on and what doesnt and if you dont have a healthy relationship to yourself in such way how can you expect the other person to " reach you" ?
All of a sudden everyone started fucking each other - I used to joke and suggest people that since they all were doing each other´s exes they should all just get together and make a big orgy- then get over it. I believe women should worship their genitalia in the same way that males worship theirs, they should even embrace their periods and maybe get arty when " that time of the month" comes allong.
However, for me it was quite different. No matter how much i loved women I hated to be seen and perceived as one and the only thing wrong with my own genitalia was that... It was mine, it should have been on somebody else´s.
But when nature fucks you up for unknown reasons it also gives you good things, this lack of proper anatomy in my body gave me the ability to develop a very broad and sharp criteria of almost everything that surrounded me. Pleasure can be many things, the most common bifurcation is physical and mental - but can we even separate these? after all, emotions are caused by neuropeptides and all these chemical reactions start out in the brain and the mind, happens to be part of our brains.
My pleasure became many things, due to my inability of fully relating to the whole picture of my body i was forced to reconceptualize pleasure and look beyond physicalities - taking only the parts i felt most comfortable with. The chore point of my pleasure is actually providing pleasure, it streches every single vibrating corpuscle in my skin to see that I am the provider of pleasure.
Its probably related to a subconscious sense of power or simply just feeling good to be able to provide this to another being , specially if the being happens to mean something more to you rather than an extra in your Life´s Series or just some random character who is filling up for the one who never got the script.
Being a good masturbator has enabled me to surpass challenges, the challenge of being a prisioner in your own body . A body that seems to betray you as time goes by and nature triggers every one of these changes, being a good masturbator has enabled me to overcome immsomniac nights, stressful times, hardship but most of all being a good masturbator has enabled me to have genuine physical-mental contact with others.
Briefly said, I believe that if people masturbated every time they wanna grab a gun and kill someone or themselves the world would surely be a better place. Im sure nature would send plagues and disasters to keep the balance going and avoid overpopulation - but most certainly, we would come closer as species - paradoxically when things arent so focused on simple procreation.
Particles separate all the time and they come together, the fucking Big Bang proves it and probably Cher too... after all those surgeries :) we should find ourselves in our particles first before delegating a WHOLE.
Vaginas are fascinating and thats why they secretly rule the world. Very secretly indeed, how many people if asked in the street would actually know that females have prostates too? and there is good reason for it, not even physicians know where most vaginal fluids specifically those produced during female ejaculation come from - some of it its speculated to be generated in the prostate but the rest of it apparently remains a mystery.
So Yes - females ejaculate too and they ejaculate BIG time, I do not consider myself a subversive feminist, however, It is true that the medical field has always been majorly dominated by men and well... funny enough these men didnt know much about the actual female anatomy and everything that wasnt directly linked to reproduction was considered to be of little importance.
Which makes me think of the analogy of a Cup-Holder , women being Baby-holders and no more than that.
Where did the female prostate disappear to for 329 years?
Prior to the 20th century the term "female prostate" was commonly used within medical research literature but during the 20th century the female prostate was usually described as vestigial, i.e. not fully developed and non-functional, and was identified as either paraurethral or Skene's glands. While the components of the female prostate were known to exist they were not seen as structures of interest or importance; with a few exceptions. Since modern medicine did not see the female prostate playing an active and necessary role in reproduction it wasn't essential to understand its function. The female prostate is not believed to be affected by disease on a frequent basis and this likely contributed to the lack of interest within doctor offices and hospitals. When the female prostate became a medical concern by becoming enlarged or causing discomfort during urination or intercourse it was called female urethral diverticulum or female prostatis. I wonder how many urinary tract infections (UTIs) have been incorrectly diagnosed and treated?
"The male is an distinct organ that surrounds the male urethra but the female prostate lies within the wall and along the length of the female urethra, as indicated in the illustrations shown above and below. It is part of and contained within the wall of the urethra, and the urethra is contained within the wall of the vagina. The average size of the female prostate is 1.3 inches long, 0.75 inches wide, 0.4 inches in height (3.3 x 1.9 x 1 cm), and weighs about 0.2 ounces (5.2 grams). Which means it is a relatively small organ about the size of a woman's thumb. Despite its smaller size "it possesses all the structural components of the male prostate."
.
If you havent found your G-spot yet and the exact location of your female prostate
you should try locating it while in the shower, take a careless piss while you move things down there
while pissing the bladder will let you " feel " it and if you have a hard time feeling it then try with an adventurous partner :) pissing is also a bodily fluid ( not into water sports personally) but - whats the big deal?
While living as a female and excercising this female role in Society, I would find it extremely hard to relate to "other females" no wonder...
I struggled for relatedness and finding my " female self " which im sure, lies inside everyone of us, however mine seemed to be pretty fucking burried in the bassement.
Perceived as a female who is sexually attracted to " other females" one cannot escape falling into the lesbian category, definetely something i was never trully fond of. But at least I can understand them... I thought, after all I´m " one of them" at least i tried to convince myself, I was.
I used to believe that it must be easier to get close to a woman as a man than it actually is as a woman. Fuck, was I terribly wrong... those days, I have encountered nothing but the opposite, although I never related to most females and never really had a bunch of "girlfriends" to meet up with , go to the movies, buying clothes, museums and what this and what not... I do sense a huge difference in the way I was treated before and the way I am treated now.
They still talk to you, smile, hold eye contact of course. But they always seem to be in this constant state of alert or seem wary of you ... as if they think all you wanna do is get in their pants and you are probably just disguising it with something else.
They are probably right 80% of the times, but what happens to the 20% left when you are just trying to be friendly and actually mean it ? Now a little about genitalia, its funny how phallocratic our culture is and how culturally ritualized a cock can be, however, one learns very fast that the true power actually lies in the shifting opening and closing of a vagina´s labia minora.
Yeah, they got this thing you want and they know you want it. They will only give it to you when they want it though, cause you are the one who is supposed to be always "ready" and thats another expectation you must fulfill.
Testosterone doesn´t make things any easier... the longing for physical contact is definitely more intense than it used to be before, and its actually annoying. One beggins to understand how prostitution has always been there since earlier civilizations... you pay - fuck - cum and leave and get this physical contact without all the bullshit and games that usually come allong with it.
To me there´s more to it though, even when it´s only just sex, I need a thrill or some sort of challenge or purpose, It almost feels like hunting or when snakes eat mice, they have to kill their prey by themselves or else they won´t eat it.
I suppose having been socialized as female most of my life and having had access to these "female backstage-onstage" social scenarios, does give me an advantage over bio males for deeper understanding in some of their behaviour, however elusive it might be. I can identify some of the usual codes and a general modus operandi that most of them share.
The Asshole - it´s an all times favourite amongst the ones with a low self esteem and the perpetuators of a " macho man " type who treats them like shit just to have a reason to complain about it afterwards. The Asshole also calls other type of women´s attention, not only those with low self esteem but on the parallels of self esteem, the self assured woman.
Why would the self assured, probably smart woman be drawn into The Asshole type ?
Because either they want to change him and turn him into a more likeable asshole, a task that proves challenging but there is almost nothing a self assured woman´s ego can´t achieve - Or simply because they also crave to be treated like shit deep inside without admitting it.
Mr Nice - A total success, If you want to be stepped on, used, abused and recycled even just to repeat the previous sequence once more. Mr Nice - represents no danger, its the final encarnation of all the bullshit talk about how they long for stability and " something special " But what do you do once you´ve found your holly grial? You gotta make up another one! the key here is to keep longing or complaining about that which you "cant find".
The Gentleman - A rare kind that is almost going to extinction, cause it doesn´t pay off to be Clark Gable these days. The gentleman knows 90% of the times what he wants and how he wants it, he shows himself as he is , not more and not less than that - there are no hidden agendas but yet it doesn´t mean he´ll reveal every single detail of his life. The gentleman can both be gentle and after all... be a man, he can go from attentive and gentle to disappearing for a while for no reason. This is a perfect blend for many, however, The Gentleman tends to be mistaken by the self assured woman for Mr Nice even when he isn´t.
The Pussyhagen- My own term to depict how most men in Copenhagen seem to be ( its all in general scales) 80´s hair , tighter jeans than lady gaga´s underwear, usually skinny and with a very supervised "careless" look. Some of them go with big purses even, they are also "sensitive" and support causes - commonly related to the trendy ones nowadays- Its hot to save the world , from the comfort of economical stability. The Pussyhagen seems to be fairly succesful both with the self assured women and even the low self esteem ones, this is because most of the times he is also The Asshole in a more stylized version so it takes the self assured woman longer time to figure that out. Another reason why The Pussyhagen seems to be a hit, is that most women in my opinion suffer from what I like to call The Cylindrical Pussy Syndrome
Cylindrical Pussy Syndrome = a total femme with a penis
It appears to me that some of them want another "girlfriend" with a penis.
In all these typologies i find myself more inclined to The Gentleman type with some shades of sexual expression alla boogie nights. Say it always like it is , and if it isn´t.... keep it to yourself.
