Just Look around you
The antinomies of being, we are the children of a generation thats sold itself before it even went on sale.
I do not aim to be a soft apocalyptic - in fact my aims have slightly blurred somewhere between the triggers and the barrels of solipsism... yet the bullet is still standing solid.
Social worth ... a number - a standarized way of living - a whole set of values - buy - sell - Heaven- Hell
there seem to be no rites of passage within our western culture except that of when you get to be 18 .
Welcome to adulthood, gradual responsabilities, taxes, the possibility of jail, credit cards and all of that which validates your identity as a " part of the flock" as long as you keep consuming and validating or invalidating other´s. Maybe we are not even born into reality but we are just born into a system that fictionalizes reality to make it more pragmatic, easy to diggest and handle.
Whatever blue or red pill... the choice itself seems dull enough and choices... they are just the spiral of neurosis and what keeps the whole thing together in a symmethrically chaotic way. Puberty its nature´s own rite of passage and intense transformation, everything changes, even the gray matter in your brain expands.
It is remarkably interesting to notice that even in my self awareness of what Testosterone might be doing to my brain and my now " adult self " i can recognize many old feelings from the 1st Puberty : nihilism, anger, impulsiveness, mood swings, high sex drive, frustration and a never experienced before need for physical contact whether it is violent or affectionate.
This can be counterattacked by my own experiences and the knowledge I have so far acquired from life, I can even find the proper balance to do so most of the times and when I don´t I hold monologues with my "selves" and ask them questions until they cant no longer provide me with an answer.
Then I know Im here again and this is actually happening... I´m not just a number, a name, a sex marker, a tax payer, a sexual partner... I´m actually a person. It´s easy to forget that you are just a person in the paradox of the institutionalized individual... like Ulrich Bech would put it, however, It´s good to feel every once in a while.
Having feelings and exercizing them are two different things. God knows how many times I fantasized to see the bodies of those that bullied me in school for no reason other than being myself hanging from the ceilling, but Nintendo 64 and music took care of those fantasies instead. Then something strange happened... I stopped caring and as soon as you stop caring and let go you are set free and start gaining a weird form for respect.
" I admire you. I don´t know If I´d have the guts to go through that to become myself" ---- would´nt you really if there was no other form of life that was bearable to you ? of course you would. Let´s not romanticize things and pretend this is just a matter of " living up for your ideals" what ideals ? do any ideas actually belong to us in a clean way- without any predesigned filter? - this simply IS .
I was keen on that board game called Monopoly - In fact, I used to steal money from the bank and card properties, if there was any rule i was then inclined on trying something different to " modify it"- and why not ? its a game after all.
But games, just like films are sometimes more trusthworthy witnesses of truth than " reality" itself , because we feel somewhat more free in them so there is more room and permisiveness to be ourselves rather than following a script.
Monopoly and Chess combined perhaps, would make a good analogy on how our idea of civilization and society works nowadays. Narrowing things down to interaction and subjectivities, there seem to be a conglomeration of "shared subjectivities" probably dictated by media but lets not fool ourselves by blaming the media or Hollywood and Disney Channel for brainwashing us with ideas such as " The Knight in Shining Armour" or " You gotta fight to win the girl"craps.
We have in fact produced and eaten our own bullshits throughout the years. Is it perhaps due to our need to fictionalize everything to make it more meaningful ? Probably... But is there anything meaningful at all then?
I believe there is... such as everyone´s singularity, everyone´s uniqueness, individuality and so on.
But before we can even reach that we either constantly submit each other to what i call -
The Social Worth Test. - From a Macro- view ( there is the conglomeration of shared values) and from the Micro-view how the individual distributes these "macro values" and either combines/contrasts them with his/her own values (micro-values). As a man who is becoming a man - my observations are focused on interactions with females and their expectations of men in general.
Female Macro-Values
- You gotta "represent" her
( When in reality you should just help expand her own sense of self rather than "represent" )
This basically means
- Your physical worth has to be "good enough" to tell her friends about you. But mere telling aint enough... you should also be an object of " passive desire" to her friends so she can be" Proud of you". But is not really "you" she´ll be proud of but her "hunting skills".
- Physical + Personality traits worth ( Macro view)
- The " tough" tall well trained guy who is also "sensitive" and somehow " eloquent "
- The " self confident " guy who has passions in life and a " sense of purpose "
- The " funny " yet " serious " guy who can always come up with a solution and " save the day"
- The " sex machine " that will take orders... and always delivers.
- The guy with " Strong Arms"to hug and make them feel " protected " even when... they don´t really need you at all to feel this way.
- The " innate leader" when its actually more the " innate -leaderlike-follower".
- " Size doesn´t matter" - maybe? I like small breasts myself so I would believe they are not all aiming for a 8 inches cock - but ... where does fiction and reality separate on this one? I dont really know.
Money ? it matters more to some than others - Pink Floyd has a song that goes
" money... is a crime " I personally believe money is only a crime when you don´t have it - it can both provide you with freedom and slavery if you don´t keep the balance.
- Having a job. A career... this is not only personal development its the way our entire system works. So having a fat wallet and a " respectable " job let´s say... a physician... "business guy" ... or even sexier... a spokesman for " Amnesty International" a true " altruistic hero" who may not have a fat wallet but certainly pays less taxes than you or me due to his altruistic deeds... right? that should do the trick !
So what kind of man am I right now... and what kind of man am I becoming ?
Analizing my own depiction of " Social Worth " I´m still a " potentially good investment" in vaginal monetary terms. Some people say... " I liked parts of the movie, but I didnt like the movie"
Parts vs Whole.
I suppose the same thing happens to me.
My movie is in the making... all our movies are in the making except most of you reading this were probably born with the proper movie credentials that allow you to play them in trial and error without so much hedious paperwork... clipping... and editting. Regardless of the " type of man " I´ll become tomorrow, I´ll have gone through so many halls and opened so many doors by then that my whole being will be in tune with every damn single living creature on this planet and i might end up more "altrustic" than the " amnesty international fellow".
Well.... I certainly doubt so
However. in the meantime I´ll just Scream until I like it.
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